Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Man Card Ordinances

Violating these Ordinances will result in the revocation of your Man Card. Disobedience will be punished and you will be separated from your man card with the same swiftness a Samurai reserves for his opponent’s beheading.

Your Man Card is an important document stipulating that you are a Man, and that you recognize and respect the differences in Social Genders and are willing to fulfill your obligation as a man.

Ordinance 1 – Thou shall not use the word “cute”, not even in agreement with a chick.

Ordinance 2 – Thou shall not drink Light Beer and is only to drink Imported Beer when in another country and American Beer is technically Imported.

Ordinance 3 – Thou shall not refer to purses either qualitatively (i.e. as “cute”, which is a double violation, see ordinance 1) or as a “handbag” or “bag” as a shortened form of handbag. If you mean “bag” in the sense that it holds stuff, this is ok.

Ordinance 4 – Thou shall not refer to any diet or grooming that they are currently undertaking. Ever.

Ordinance 5 – Thou shall not drink white wine. If carrying white wine, must be for girlfriend/wife, and must have beer or whiskey in other hand. Red wine is ok if no other alcohol is available and is drunk from goblets while eating meat from bones.

Ordinance 6 – Thou shall not let a woman touch the barbeque.

Ordinance 7 – Thou shall not ride in the passenger seat while a woman is driving. You can always walk.

Ordinance 8 – Thou shall never drive a car, unless it has only 2 doors, or an SUV, which, let’s be real, is really just a station wagon anyway.

Ordinance 9 – Thou shall not get a mani-/pedi-. If you even know what this is you’re suspect.

Ordinance 10 – Thou shall not sit in the next closest seat in a movie theater. It’s bad enough you’re at the movies with another guy.

Ordinance 11 - Thou shall not use the next stall to any man when using the urinal unless there is no other option. There is absolutely no eye contact, smiling or talking in the restroom. The restroom is a place of business, act accordingly.

Ordinance 12 – Thou shall not refer to shampoo or hair gel as “product”.

Ordinance 13 – Thou shall not engage in any sport or physical activity without keeping score. It is only acceptable for the outcome to not produce a clear “winner” when you’re in kindergarten.

Ordinance 14 – Thou shall not drink alcoholic beverages of any bright or pastel coloring. Bloody Mary’s are ok so long as it is morning (or the first drink consumed upon rising), and Margaritas are ok under the following circumstances: it is the Fifth of May, you are in a Mexican restaurant or you are in Mexico.

Ordinance 15 – Thou shall not order a steak anything more than “medium-rare.” You must never disrespect meat.

Ordinance 16 – Thou shall not refer to celebrity relationships. Ever. Mistaken knowledge of such relationships must never be discussed publicly.

Ordinance 17 – Thou shall not bake, roast, fry or broil. Barbequing is the only acceptable form of preparing food for a man. Additionally, thou shall not refer to barbequing as “cooking.”


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